By: Connie Etemadi
Understanding Why Kindness Doesn’t Always Stick
Today, as the founder of Kindest Kid in America, Jessie is using neuroscience-informed practices to foster cultural change in schools across the country. Her model moves beyond one-time initiatives and taps into how identity is formed, how recognition can shape behavior, and how rituals might help kindness become more of a reflex.
Because kindness doesn’t always stick by chance. It tends to stick when it is deliberately designed.
1. Recognition Over Reward
We’ve often been conditioned to say “good job” when a student shares their crayons. But Jessie encourages us to ask: what if we praised not just the action but the identity it reflects?
Recognition is different from reward. While rewards are transactional, like “You did X, so you get Y,” recognition is transformative. It says, “This is who I see you becoming.”
Instead of, “Thanks for helping,” imagine saying, “You’re the kind of person who notices when others need support. That’s a rare quality.”
This kind of affirmation doesn’t just encourage behavior; it reinforces it. Neuroscience shows that when people are publicly affirmed, especially in formative years, the brain connects that affirmation to the self. Over time, it can shift self-concept.
Ask yourself: How do we currently recognize others in our schools, teams, or families? Can we make it more specific and more identity-anchored?
2. Storytelling as Reinforcement
Facts fade. Stories tend to stick.
Jessie’s program creates custom storybooks featuring real kids doing kind things—books that are read aloud, shared, and valued like trophies. Why? Because seeing yourself in a story is one of the impactful forms of affirmation a child can experience.
It’s one thing to be told, “You’re kind.” It’s another to open a book and see it: your name, your photo, your story.
You don’t need a publishing house to replicate this. A classroom newsletter. A team Slack channel. A morning meeting ritual where one story is shared aloud. These are all spaces where recognition can become a narrative.
Ask yourself: How can we integrate storytelling into the way we acknowledge others? Where can we record and share the stories that matter?
3. Shared Recognition Moments Build Culture
Jessie’s assemblies are emotional. Not because they’re flashy, but because they’re public. Entire schools gather. Parents attend. Tears are shed. And a clear message is shared: kindness is seen here.
Public recognition can build culture in a way that private praise can’t. When everyone sees the same example at the same time, it can help shape collective norms. It tells the group, “This is what we value; this is who we celebrate.”
It doesn’t need to be a big production. Kindness Shoutout Fridays. A rotating bulletin board. A team meeting moment where one person is spotlighted.
The goal isn’t performance. It’s pattern-building.
Ask yourself: What small, repeatable recognition rituals could we build into our meetings, classrooms, or communities?
4. Repetition Through Kindness Challenges
Behavioral science suggests that repetition can help build habit. That’s why Jessie uses weekly kindness challenges to encourage simple, doable tasks like writing a thank-you note, including someone new at lunch, or picking up trash on campus.
These aren’t random acts of kindness. They’re scaffolded actions that build what researchers call prosocial behavior, which means kindness that’s consistent, not conditional.
Over time, these actions may become reflexive. Students start looking for people to lift up not because they’re told to, but because it’s who they are.
Ask yourself: What small, weekly challenges could help build kindness into the muscle memory of our environment?
5. Speak to Identity, Not Just Actions
Language can shape our impact.
One of the impactful things Jessie teaches educators and parents is to speak in identity-based affirmations. Not, “That was kind,” but, “You’re the kind of person who brings people in.”
It’s subtle, but it can change everything.
Over time, the brain doesn’t just store those words. It internalizes them. “You’re a bridge-builder.” “You make people feel seen.” “You’re someone others look up to.”
These are not just compliments. They’re invitations to become.
Ask yourself: What language can we start using today that helps the people around us, especially young people, see themselves as leaders, connectors, and changemakers?
The Takeaway: Kindness Is a System, Not a Trait
Jessie Hansen’s work reminds us that kindness isn’t just something you teach. It’s something you design. It lives in the structures we create, the stories we share, the rituals we repeat, and the language we choose.
If you’re an educator, a parent, a community leader, or someone shaping culture in any way, the invitation is clear. Recognition is not just a feel-good add-on. It’s a foundational tool for shaping identity and transforming environments.
So ask yourself: Who do we need to recognize? How can we tell their story in a way that sticks? And what would happen if we built a system where kindness was more than expected and it was inevitable?
To learn more or bring Kindest Kid in America to your school, workplace, or community, visit Jessie’s site or reach out directly. Because when you recognize someone, you don’t just change their day. You might just change who they believe they are.
Disclaimer: The content is for general informational purposes only and should not be considered as professional or educational advice. While the strategies discussed are informed by behavioral science and personal experience, the effectiveness of these approaches may vary depending on the context. Readers are encouraged to adapt these ideas thoughtfully and consult relevant professionals or experts when necessary.
