By: Jason Gerber

In the quiet of the night, when the world seems to stand still, the echoes of my past often find a way to whisper through the silence. My name is Alice Cox, and I was raped at the age of nineteen. 

This single event, buried under the cloak of an ordinary day in a pleasant suburban neighborhood, fragmented my being to its very core. I navigated through life as a shadow of myself, lost in a labyrinth of pain and despair, a journey I penned down in “Nineteen Unsaid.” It’s the raw, unfiltered chronicle of my odyssey from victimhood to survivor to an individual who learned to love herself again despite the scars.

The Journey to Reclamation

Surviving sexual assault is not merely about surviving; it’s about reclaiming. Reclaiming the body and soul that were momentarily snatched away by an act of profound violence and betrayal. The process is long, arduous, and deeply personal.

For many, including myself, reclaiming our body begins with acknowledging the trauma. It’s about giving ourselves permission to feel everything – the anger, the shame, the fear – and recognizing these feelings as valid responses to what was taken from us. It involves an acceptance that while our bodies are the sites of our trauma, they are also the homes of our resilience and strength.

Embracing Self-Love

Self-love is not an easy journey, especially for survivors of sexual assault. It often starts with small steps. For me, it was about looking in the mirror and seeing beyond the victim – to see a survivor, a warrior, someone who, despite everything, remained unbroken. 

It was about learning to cherish my body not for its appearance but for its resilience. For its ability to heal, to feel pleasure again, to be strong, and importantly, for its capacity to carry me through my darkest times to a place of light and healing.

Forgiveness played a pivotal role – not forgiveness for the perpetrator but for myself. I had to forgive myself for the misplaced guilt, for the self-destructive paths I took, and for not recognizing my worth sooner.

Building a Support System

Isolation compounds trauma. Reaching out, whether to loved ones, support groups, or therapists, can provide a lifeline out of the isolation that sexual assault often imposes. These supports not only provide an external validation of your feelings and experiences but also reflect the strength and resilience that you may be too weary to see in yourself. It’s important to recognize, however, that while these resources are invaluable to many, the path to healing may look different for everyone. For some, therapy or reaching out to friends would help, and for some it may not be the answer, and that’s okay. For example, in my journey, friends and therapy didn’t work. They were major letdowns, and that’s okay, too. I found solace in the healing power of faith and within a supportive community.

For me, the connection was crucial. It was through sharing my story, first as silent words on paper and then as a published narrative, that I found a community. A community of survivors, of warriors, who had walked through fire and emerged, not unscathed, but whole in their own beautiful, patched-together way.

Likewise, I was able to strengthen my faith and come back to my relationship with God. I believe my faith was ultimately the real light in the dark for me. It served as a flickering ember of hope in those moments of despair. It offered me solace in the knowledge that I wasn’t alone and that healing, however arduous, was eventually made possible.

Resources for Survivors

There are numerous resources available for survivors of sexual assault, each offering a beacon of hope and support:

• RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) offers support through their National Sexual Assault Hotline (800.656.HOPE) and online chat.
• The National Sexual Violence Resource Center provides a wide array of information and support for survivors and their loved ones.
• Local support groups and therapy can offer personalized support and a community of individuals who understand your journey.

A Message to My Fellow Survivors

Your body is yours, and nobody has the right to take that away from you. The journey back to self-love and reclaiming your body and your sexuality is fraught with challenges, but it is also filled with moments of profound growth and beauty. Remember, healing is not linear, and each day you choose to face the world is a testament to your strength.

“Nineteen Unsaid” was my way of extending my hand to you, of telling you that you’re not alone in this battle. It’s a reminder that the version of yourself looking back at you from the mirror – the one that survived, that fought, that love – is infinitely stronger than you realize. And it’s a testament to the fact that, ultimately, reclaiming your body and embracing self-love is not just possible. It’s your birthright.

Let’s walk this path together, for in our shared stories, we find our collective strength.

 Alice Cox

Published by: Holy Minoza